You’re a stupid, illiterate cunt and should die in a horrible housefire whilst wearing your mothers underwear – CORRECT

Your a stupid, illiterate cunt and should die in a horrible housefire whilst wearing your mothers underwear – WRONG

See the difference yet you stupid inbred fucks? I’m not even going to waste my time by trying to explain the difference between the two. If you don’t know the difference then obviously you spent way too much time sucking cock in high school and being molested by your father (don’t tell anyone, it’s “our” little secret) instead of paying attention for all of 10 seconds whilst some old haggard bitch with warts explained it to you.

What pisses me off even more than these silly mistakes are the excuses people use. “I’m dyslexic”. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Dyslexia is nothing but an excuse for laziness. Here’s where they chime in about how it’s hard for them to learn things. Yeah, know what asshole? I find quantum mechanics difficult to grasp, but I don’t call myself fucking dyslexic. Perhaps if you preached LESS about this “dyslexia” you claim you have and picked up a fucking book and tried to learn the difference, you might get somewhere.

We live in such a pussy namby pamby world, people feel they need to associate themselves with a label that excuses them for certain inadequacies or limitations that they have. Fuck that shit. You are just a lazy useless piece of shit who needs to read more. Fuck you and fuck your LYSDEXIA in the ass with a rubber chicken.

YES, WE FUCKING KNOW HE’S DEAD. YOU’D HAVE TO HAVE BEEN LIVING WITH YOUR HEAD UP YOUR MOTHERS VAGINA TO NOT KNOW HE’S DEAD BY NOW.

FOR THE FIRST 12 HOURS AFTER HIS DEATH THE MJ JOKES WERE SLIGHTLY AMUSING, BUT NOW THEY’RE NOT.

SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. ALREADY. CUNTS.

When Jade Goody appeared on TV screens, we all laughed at her. We thought she was a stupid fat cunt who didn’t know her arse from her elbow and the only reason we found her so entertaining was because of the absolutely fucking amazing comedic-like stupid statements she’d come out with. Why did she become so popular? Because she was the “everyday moron”. She appealed to the heart of the average British people because she *was* the average British person; thick as shit and just happy going through life drinking, smoking and whinging.

So Jade got cancer. Boo-fucking-hoo. How many people people are diagnosed with cancer daily? How many people have been diagnosed with cancer, and have contributed far more to society and the world than Jade Goody ever did? Is this a competition? No, not at all, but I honestly don’t see why the fuck we should’ve been bombarded with constant fucking updates from someone who only became famous because she came out with such gems as:

“Who is Heinzstein [Einstein]?”
“Where is East Angular [Anglia], is it abroad?”
“Sherlock Holmes invented toilets.”

Is this the kind of world you want your children to live in? Following and sympathising with the plight of a woman who didn’t even know what fucking language they speak in the USA? Like I said, not that I wanted anything bad to happen to her, but she certainly wasn’t special enough to warrant being in the newspapers and TV every fucking day until her death. Far more important and worthy people die every day. Fuck the media for following this fat bag of shits demise, and fuck you for giving a crap about her, you absolute fucking wankers. Oh, and fuck Jade Goody.

True picture, by the way:

Bah humbug, motherfuckers.

Facebook is essentially a glorified MySpace that focuses on the immediate connections in your life, and is what I refer to as a “closed” social networking site. By closed I simply mean that unless you know who you’re looking for, it’s almost impossible to browse random people (unless their profile is set to public) looking to make new connections. It exists, I suppose, to centralise the communication between your friends so that they can always see what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with. In a world where shitty TV shows like “Big Brother” are highly successful, it’s quite logical to see why Facebook is also successful. Success doesn’t make something good, however, and Facebook is indeed a steaming pile of shit.

So why is it shit?

Firstly, because it’s closed. If I’m bored with the people in my life, it’s the 6 degrees of seperation, again. If I want to find someone new, I have to look at friends of friends of friends, and even then they’re all going to know each other, so I’m never really meeting anyone “new”. Yes, there are some subtle features that allow you to view categories and things like artists or interests – but when the majority of profiles are only accessible by people in the same network this defeats the entire fucking purpose of doing that. I don’t want to meet up with people who know through a friend of a friend that I got herpes last year. Dammit.

Facebook allows those assholes you were trying to avoid from High School to contact you. You know EXACTLY who i’m talking about, right? Everyone has at least a handful of people you couldn’t fucking stand at school but yet couldn’t seem to get rid of, and the morbid curiosity within you accepts them as friends, just so you can see how fucked up they’ve become since you last saw them 10+ years ago. In the same light, you can take a look at all those people you thought were “hot” at school, and see what a mess they’ve made of their lives. That hot guy/girl who’s become an obese, greasy piece of shit, and now a single parent of 3. Maybe one or 2 of them became really slim, and hot, and have travelled the world making your life look incredibly boring and pathetic. Either way, it’s depressing. I don’t fucking WANT to talk to these people, let alone allow them to see what I’ve been doing and what I subsequently will get up to – whilst masturbating over my pictures. Sheesh.

Status updates are a hilariously pathetic way to tell all of your friends what you’re up to at any time. Yeah, because we all want to know that you’re “on your way home from work”. Fucking enticing stuff, isn’t it? And the updates are always pathetically lame and usually miserable;

“is rlly unhappy wiv life. y cant ppl be nice 2 each ova?”
“hates his job”
“hates her kids”

Why can’t friends have updates that people may actually find interesting?

“just tried anal sex for the first time and its NOTHING like it is in porno. messy stuff.”
“just cheated on my girlfriend for someone far more attractive. perhaps if you’d lost some fucking weight you fat bitch, I wouldn’t have been looking elsewhere?”
“wishes their grandmother would die and leave them their inheritance already. having to listen to you bitch and whine about the cancer just isn’t worth the hassle. I’m not sure how much more I can take.”

And holy mother of God. The fucking notifications. “Give your friend a special gift now!” Yeah, because nothing says I value our friendship more than a fucking digital image of some chocolate, that took me all of 1.2 seconds to click and send to you and everyone else I know. That’s friendship baby. No, I honestly do NOT fucking care that you played “How big is my e-peen?” and got a score of 0.8 inches. Do I want to play too? Do you want to eat my ass with a spoon? Thought not.

“Jane has commented on Sara’s” photo. Wait, who the fuck is Sara? Why are photo comments always the fucking same boring and mundane bullshit?

“Awww, how cute you look!”
“What a fucking excellent night that was!”
“Who is that bozo in the background?”

Again, people should reply with far more interesting and accurate comments:

“Wow, you had some excellent cleavage going on there that night. That’s gonna get me through 20 minutes in the toilet at work later on!”
“That was 2 minutes before I puked all over that girls shoes and then we got into that massive cat-fight where she stabbed me in the face with a pint glass and I went to ER for the next 7 hours.”
“Harry, I’m really sorry I have to tell you like this man, but this is the night I had sex with your woman. I mean, check out that outfit… how could I not?”

For me, though, the absolute crème de la crème of bullshit from Facebook comes from the “groups” function. You know where people can join groups they feel are relevant to their interests and views? Things such as:

“David joins the group SAVE THE BABY WHALES!”
“Frank joins the group VOTE FOR OBAMA”
“Dildo joins the group MORE RIGHTS FOR ELECTRONIC GOODS”

All generally good and positive groups that give the impression that these people are goodstanding citizens and are suitable representatives for the better side of the human race. Right? Wrong. Most of the people I know would join groups similar to:

“I would like to have sex with a midget, just to see if i can get beyond the immediate feeling of it being similar in stature to fucking a child”
“I think religion is made bullshit by the discovery of dinosaurs. Sorry, God, but a T-Rex would fuck even *your* shit up.”
“I’m always one of those pricks who conveniently goes to the toilet when collections for Cancer Awareness show up.”

Be honest; you don’t give a shit about the whales any more than I do. You join the group to massage your publically accessible e-ego (electronic ego, for the retarded) and try to come off as a better human being, pretty much like every other asshole on there. Who are you trying to impress exactly? Everyone you fucking know is already on your friends list, so what logical reason do you have for doing that? I hardly think God (if he/she/it exists) is going to judge you on your Facebook group activity, you stupid motherfucker.

Facebook introduces those people you know in real life to the world of internet acronyms. I realise that my blog caters to a certain level of retardation, so I’ll briefly explain what an acronym is. An acronym is a series of words whose abbreviations make up a new word. FBI, NASA, BBW and BDSM are several popular acronyms. You follow? So how often do you really hear or see the people you know in real life “lol”, “rofl”, or “lmao”? And why the fuck do they feel the need to do it at the start and end of every goddamn sentence? I realise you’re new to this whole Internet thing, and you’ve just got yourself a Facebook account, but jesus christ. Lay off the fucking laughs, because nothing (and no, not even the following video) is *that* funny.

Fuck Facebook, and fuck the people who use it as part of their daily ritual.

Bisexuality (to me) is like saying “I’m not fussy, I just like to be fucked or fuck people. I don’t care what gender they are, they’re getting fucked. I’ll fuck anything that moves. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck all day and fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck all night. Wanna fuck?” This seems more to me like someone obsessed with sex or sexual exploration than someone who has made a conscious choice that yes, they are in fact attracted by members of both genders, and yes, they are able to love someone of either gender. Because don’t forget, people, it’s not all just about sex…. is it?

So penis or vagina preference understood, what the fuck is with effeminate homosexuals? I “get” that you dig the penis, but why the need to sound like a woman because of it? Why the need to be so excessively flamboyant with almost everything you do? Why do you obsessively collect “Hello Kitty” items and wear T-shirts that don’t cover your belly-buttons? How is any of the fucking “performance” that you put on related to your sexual preference? It’s not really, is it? You just do it because at the end of the day, once you’ve come “out” (which in itself to me is a pointless charade once you’ve come “out” to yourself) you’re just the same as everyone else, and ultimately it’s the only thing that seperates you from someone who isn’t homosexual. Is it some kind of homosexual advertisement for other homosexuals? Am I missing something here? Because I just don’t understand it. This isn’t the freaking 1970′s, why does this shit continue?

I’m heterosexual, yet I don’t run around pretending to be more masculine than I am. Liking vagina doesn’t mean that I instantly also like and dislike certain actors, actresses, music, TV, clothes or food, none of that shit has any fucking relevance or bearing on my sexual preference at all. I am a human being and I like or dislike things based on how I feel about them. I didn’t wake up the morning after my first sexual experience with a woman and say “Oh wow, now I like cars, football and beer more than EVER!”. Did I miss that memo?

The whole charade is really pathetic to me. Without all this flamboyant horseshit you’re nothing more than some guy called Barry who drinks in his local pub and happens to like cock. Clearly that’s a problem for you and you want to be something more. Perhaps you should stop playing on the gay thing and actually become a more interesting personal in general then?

It’s not just the men who do it either. Lesbians can often become more masculine after declaring their sexual preference – why is that? If you want masculinity, why don’t you go to the source and get a man instead? Oh, it’s a vagina thing? Go compromise: find a guy who likes to be fucked in the ass. Oh, but you like breasts? Go find a fatter man who likes to be fucked in the ass.

Vegetarians, what the fuck is this shit all about? To scrutinise this we really need to look at why people become vegetarians in the first place. Only then can we try to understand the complete fucking mystery that is Panda-esque leaf munching. I’m going to address the 2 key areas I’ve experienced as the basis for vegetarianism.

1

The first, and definitely one of the most common “excuses” for becoming a vegetarian is one of ethics. Many people consider that animals are treated poorly, executed “inhumanely”, and a slew of other completely unfounded bullshit justifications. To those people who think this, let me ask you, where did you originally obtain this perception to begin with? Could it perhaps be… the media? Have you physically dragged your ass to the source and seen for yourself how these animals are treated? My guess is no, you haven’t. Yet again you are the victim of gullibility and are tripping over yourselves to jump on a new fad because the media have “sold” it to you. Fucking suckers. I thank the Lord every day I’m not as fucking stupid as you people.

The entire “humane” argument is typical bullshit from hypocritical motherfuckers who want to come off as “better” human beings. How far do you pricks want to take this, really? You’re fine with the animal being slaughtered (murdered) for your own personal consumption, but only if it’s been treated well? Do I even need to point out the utter hypocrisy in that statement? I’m really sorry that the cows for our burgers can’t live in 5 star accomodation, receive weekly manicures, colonic irrigation and perhaps even massages, but here’s a newslash for you…. their sole purpose for living is to fill our stomachs. They aren’t our friends, and they serve no other purpose than to feed us. Do you honestly think it makes a difference if a cow is standing in an open field or in a tightly packed pen? Do you think an animal that is so fucking worthless that it lacks the evolutionary process to not shit down its own back legs honestly gives a crap about where it spends its short-lived days, as long as it’s fed?

The only reason animals are “packed’ as they are now is simply one of mass consumption. More mouths to feed means we need a faster and more convenient way of obtaining meat. It’s the natural result of evolution, expansion and progression. We kill animal, we eat animal. Whether it’s out in a fucking field with ample room, it makes no difference. Do you honestly think that the prehistoric hunter-gatherers had this kind of “spare time morality” before they speared the shit out of their dinner? You bet your ass they didn’t. The only reason fuckers like you even give a shit is because you’re the type of people who simply have to bitch and whinge about something. We’ve reached a level of human sophistication where we don’t have to get our hands dirty in order to put food on the table, and you want to serve as a constant reminder to the rest of us that we’re killing animals in order to do so. Why don’t you take up a far worthier cause, like erectile dysfunction?

Whatever your take on how the animals are treated, the end result is the fucking same; certain death and subsequent slaughter for food processing. If you pricks had your way, we’d all be out in fields armed with spears and fighting over the wildly roaming cattle. Many of us would probably turn and kill each other instead, simply to lessen the competition. Would you prefer that to happen?

Ironically these are often the same motherfuckers who are completely anti-GM (genetically modified) foods, but as soon as you tell them that genetic modifications can often allow us to produce more food in less developed areas, thus feeding more starving people, they consider it acceptable. Make up your freaking minds people.

2

There are a multitude of different religious concerns for becoming a vegetarian. In fact, there are so many, it further serves to reinforce how different religions contradict one another and fall so far out of line with their original purpose (a “God”) that they can rarely be trusted.

The only thing I’m going to say about it is to really mirror what Chris Rock has already said on the subject. On the day of my judgement, as I stand before God, do you HONESTLY think he/she/it is gonna give a fuck if I’ve eaten meat? I haven’t killed anybody, I haven’t raped anybody, I haven’t stolen from anybody, but I ate meat. Is that very thing going to deny my entry into the eternal kingdom? I doubt it. If eating meat is a sin, then there’s gonna be an awful lot of obese McDonalds loving motherfuckers in Hell.

How would you explain the people who started out as meat-eaters, but turned to vegetarianism later in life? Oh wait, “God is forgiving” right? So he/she/it can’t forgive my ass for doing it at an entire life-time? Fucking hypocrisy yet again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people who choose religion as a basis for hope and perhaps even self-improvement, but to change your DIET over it? That’s completely nonsensical. Love thy neighbour, “be excellent to each other”, these are all good morale choices one can make in order to lead a “better” life. “Don’t eat meat” – how the fuck does that help me and my neighbour? That sounds more to me like a fucking diet fad that a chick would read in Cosmopolitan.

I am given the gift of life and am able to experience and participate in an unfathomable number of things. I am given the gift of free will, and am able to decide for myself the things I enjoy and dislike, but yet if I eat meat then I must suffer eternal damnation? Yeah, and the boogeyman will get me too right? It’d be worth it for a Big Mac.

Conclusion

What you eat does not define you as a person (unless you’re a vegetarian, in which case you’re a fucking asshole). Forcing your ideals on others is simply bullshit, and it’s bullshit up to the point where parents are actually causing malnutrition to their children because of it. This is media brainwashing gone too far, and people need to step back and take control of their lives again.

If you enjoy eating meat, then eat meat. If you don’t, don’t do it. Let everyone else make up their own mind, though.

One thing that pisses me off a great deal is people who say that giving up smoking is difficult, or “the hardest thing they’ve ever tried/done’. Clearly these people lead sheltered lives, because I don’t imagine they’ve ever tried climbing a mountain, or inserting a pineapple into their ass. Those are some difficult things, let me tell you. The people who use that excuse basically haven’t even bothered to try. They don’t want to give up, which is what it’s really all about.

The most common excuse I hear from assholes who’ve failed to give up smoking is; “I enjoy it too much” or “It’s the only enjoyment I get”. Shit, please, who the fuck are you trying to kid? That’s blatantly the anthem of the people too weak to give up smoking. I’m sure people addicted to crack enjoy their addiction too, but at least they don’t fucking delude themselves about it.

Before anyone claims that I “don’t know what it’s like”, think again. I used to be a full-time smoker. One week in January I fell ill and couldn’t smoke for around 5 or 6 days. When I’d eventually got back on my feet, I figured that as I hadn’t smoked in 5 or 6 days, what point was there in lighting up again? 7 months later, I still haven’t touched a cigarette, nor do I want to.

It amuses me how there are all these fucking give up smoking aids that do nothing to address the underying cause of the addition; which is that your body is addicted to nicotine. You think that you’ve given up when you’ve covered your body in patches, you use nicotine gum, and you have a fucking nicotine inhaler? You haven’t given up anything. All you’ve done is taken an addiction and made it healthier by removing the tar and other potentially cancer causing materials. You are still, fundamentally, an addict. You really expect praise for that? What a great achievement, congratulations douchebag.

If you people really want to give up smoking, you will. No ifs, no buts, no excuses, you’ll just do it. You don’t need all these bullshit aids that cost more than cigarettes themselves. Stop being such weak loser pussies and just STOP SMOKING.

Proper update coming soon, but that’s amusing enough to tide you over.

1. For the past 6 months or so, I’ve been rather amused with the way people have stumbled across my blog, and the search terms they’ve used to get there. I’ve finally pulled my finger out of my ass long enough to write a WordPress plugin that takes the last 20 search terms for any individual blog post, and prints them out to the column on the left. Take a look at my post on retards, for example, and you’ll see things like:

“don’t educate retards”
Why not kill autistic children
How to deal with my Autistic child
Why do autistic looks same

Why is this food for thought? Well, a lot of people say I’m an asshole. Correction; I am an asshole. What they don’t realise, though, is the depravity of “normal” Internet users and what they really search for. The plugin does not fake results, and they update in realtime. Observe… the depravity of others!

2. I really want more hate mail. I’m depressed at how little hate mail I actually receive. I have therefore taken it upon myself to add a “Share This” plugin to the bottom of my posts, that will allow you to add them to digg, and all the other horseshit networking sites that you fuckers use. Please, spread the word so I can obtain more hate mail.

I do have more posts coming soon, I promise.