My Hate Blog

I haven’t updated in ages. Blow me. No, really, blow me. It’s been so long my dick is developing cobwebs. Oh woe is me. Anyway…

It’s been a while since I’ve taken on client work. This isn’t through lack of requests, however I generally can’t be assed with all the bullshit that goes along with it. Freelancing can be a good way to make money, no doubt. Unfortunately it’s the Administration involved that generally turns it into something similar to one night in Bangkok with a she-male stripper. Only the problem is, you didn’t know it was a shemale until you took it back to your crummy hotel room for sucky sucky.

For those who are unaware, my “occupation” if I were to declare it would be “web developer”. For any freelancer this generally involves taking on low paid jobs to build a reputation and portfolio, and then trying to make it with large scale projects or contracted work. For some people, they’ll never make it. Others will have an extremely good run of luck and perhaps end up making lots of money. I decided to take a year or so off to develop my own private projects, and get my own sites off the ground. Recently, strangely, I’ve had loads of requests for work so I decided to do the odd job. It was after the third project I realised exactly why I hated it in the first place. Here’s a list of the top 5 things that clients say which piss me off:

1. I need this done ASAP/yesterday/I’m already late and the client is hassling me

First off, what makes you think I give a fuck? Really. If this was such an important project, why didn’t YOU fucking take the time and plan in advance, instead of leaving everything to the last minute? Do you think that somehow I can magically develop something faster just because YOUR client is overdemanding? Does the whole fucking world revolve around you? Whilst you might be fat enough to have your own gravitational pull, so that everything else revolves (literally) around you, no alas… in my world, bitch, you are worthless.

2. It’s a really short/simple/quick/easy job.

Oh yeah? If it was so fucking easy then you’d be doing it yourself. By the very fact you’re asking me to develop this for you, you’re admitting that you are too dumb enough to do it yourself. You aren’t as skilled and as intelligent as I am, so you need to prove yourself worthy in a monetary form, so that I might even give you the time of day.

No job is ever as “quick” or as “simple” as you state. You want a simple contact form? I can think of at least 8 or 9 different things I would need to check on the form to ensure that all data is entered correctly and it’s “safe”. Real fucking simple to you huh? As a user you just think you click the button and that’s it. That’s what differentiates me and you. I actually think of the potential for exploitation. Just like the potential to exploit your wife whilst you’re working in MacDonalds because you can’t handle the pressure of a real job.

3. I only have a budget of (insert insulting figure here).

Instead of spending your pocket money on Harry Potter books, why not save it and actually invest in the project you seem to care about so much? People with insulting budgets immediately get insulted by me, and asked repeatedly “DO WE FUCKING LIVE IN INDIA? THEN WHY DO YOU INSULT ME WITH INDIA PRICES, WHORE?!”. Seriously. How can you expect your site to be popular if you don’t even care enough about it to warrant spending a decent amount of money on it? Sure, not all sites are expensive to develop, but if you want them done well and correctly you need to invest. Otherwise get your tight Jewish ass to India, you fuck.

4. Can we add (insert stupidly complex feature here)?

Sure. And whilst we’re at it, can we add another $3000 to the fucking price? There’s a valid reason why I ask for a detailed storyboard before I start work, and that’s so that you can’t pull this shit on me. Would you ask a landscaper “Can we move the conservatory 4 feet to the left? I think it looks better there.” No. Of course you fucking wouldn’t. Why should web development be any different? Because it’s “less work”? How would you know? In some cases we’d have to redevelop something almost from scratch in order to incorporate your stupidly retarded and out-of-spec changes. In return you think we’re going to let that fly without additional payment? Fuck no. Why don’t you climb down from your stupid shit planet and join the real world for a second? Time == money. You waste my time, I’ll waste your wallet. We can do this little song and dance for as long as you fucking like. And if we do, you can be damn sure that every time it happens I’m gonna speak in more of a patronising tone to you. Asshole.

5. Can I have your phone number so I can discuss this on the phone?

Sure. Can I have your wifes phone number whilst we’re at it? You really think I’m gonna give you my phone number, so you can interrupt me at 3am on a Saturday whilst i’m fucking some coked up stripper? You think I’m stupid?
I made the mistake of giving a client my phone number once . He called me every day for completely unrelated shit to the site I was working on. I actually had to tell him that unless it’s work related, I’d have to charge him additional support costs ($100/hour) for the time he was wasting. That fucking got rid of him.

What is it about clients that pisses you off?

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