I hate…. fat people

Firstly I must apologise for the lack of updates. Recently I’ve been busy working (shock horror) and have been seeing a new psychiatrist in order to try and get to the bottom of my rage issues. Unfortunately this hasn’t been going very well and the response from trained medical staff has been “Take a fucking valium and get out of my sight you perverse freak.” I’m not really sure how I feel about this yet, but the valium is awesome. (Un)fortunately it hasn’t really done anything for my excessive rage.

Today children I’d like to talk about fat people. Statistically 1 in 3 of you fucks reading this article is going to be clinically obese. You may, quite righly so, argue that statistics are usually made up. All you need to do is take a look around you today and it’s blatantly clear that the emergence of overweight people is most definitely on the rise. This begs the question, is the author of this article obese? Fortunately I am one of the 2 who aren’t, which makes it now vastly more likely that YOU are the obese one. You fat piece of shit.

I have been one of the fortunate guys who has a metabolism faster than a midget olympic competitor. I can pretty much eat whatever the fuck I like, and as much of it as I like, and I don’t put on a pound. How does that make you feel, fatty?

Before I get into the ranty nitty gritty we are all going to partake in The Fat Test. To participate all you have to do is follow the bullet-points below. If a single one of these apply to you then I’m afraid it’s bad news….. you’re a worthless fat piece of shit.

• 1. Raise one of your arms and extend it horizontally next to you. Begin flapping your arms wildly. If you hear a physical flapping noise, you fail.
• 2. Whilst looking into a mirror face-on, lift your chin. If you are unable to see any jaw definition, you fail.
• 3. Whilst sitting down, lift up your top and take a look at your stomach. If you’re unable to see the chair you’re sitting on, you fail.
• 4. If you are male; try to find your penis. If you can’t, you fail.
• 5. If you are female, try to find your “lips”. If you can’t, you fail.
• 6. If when sitting down to take a shit you have to move several times in order to actually get your ass cheeks inside the bowl. you fail.
• 7. If you’re female and your breasts actually sit ON TOP of your stomach and look like dog ears, you fail.
• 8. If you get out of breath talking on the phone, you fail.

Some people consider being overweight a psychological problem. I say that the people who suggest this are clearly the counsellors and psychologists who are sick of dealing with manic depressive suicidal emo pricks, and are just trying to tap into another niché to boost their already overpaid salary. I don’t consider being overweight a psychological problem. I consider it a lack of self-control and self-respect. If you eat too much and don’t exercise, you will put on weight. It’s hardly rocket science is it?

Then you get the tubby fucks who say “But I’m unhappy, so I eat.” Get a blog. No, seriously. We live in an age where millions of people feel that they’re that fucking important people actually want to read what they have to say (myself included). Blogging is cheaper than eating a 12 pack of donuts, isn’t it? Lots of people vent their unhappiness through blogs….

Some people argue that fast food franchises are to blame, and that they should “ration” people or even refuse to serve people after they’ve already eaten a certain amount. What the shit is that? “Excuse me, Sir. Clearly you are too fucking fat to be eating a Big Mac, so I’m afraid I can’t serve you. Please go eat somewhere else, where the food is cheaper and you’re going to eat more because I’ve just insulted your gargantuan stature.” This is the kind of bullshit argument I’d expect from the obese pieces of shit in the USA. People are even going so far as to attempt to take legal action against these companies for making them fat. How is it their fault? Do you take legal action against gun manufacturers because your redneck Cousin got shot trying to rob a convenience store after smearing himself in lemon juice because he heard that it blurs the camera? How are these companies meant to know how much exercise you do, how fast your metabolism is and what your response to such food will be? It’s your OWN damn responsibility to realise when you’ve had enough, tubby. Don’t blame anyone else for your own inadequacies because you get wet at the sight of refined sugar.

Perhaps the most hilarious argument or justification from fat people is “I’m big boned.” Oh really? So if we take an X-Ray of you, we’ll see that your bones are in fact so large that they weigh 200lbs, and that’s not cellulite covered flesh wobbling around everytime you move? What the fuck are you, part of the X-Men? When are you people going to learn that being “Big boned” is what your parents tell you when you’re a child in order for you to not quite feel so bad about being outcast from all activity, because you practically have a fucking coronary after standing up.

If any of you have a fat girlfriend or boyfriend you’ll know that sex is both difficult and pathetic. If you’re a guy trying to do a fat chick, you have to physically divide pieces of flabby skin in order to find the hole you’re looking for. When you do eventually manage to put your clearly desperate member into her, you’re immediately restricted by the overwhelming collection of fat around you, thus restricting your motion in the ocean. If you had a 10 inch cock, it’s now probably more like 4 inches. All those KFC and McDonalds are screaming at you; “Hello Big Boy…. fancy some chicken wings?”.

So what hope is there for fat people? Well, you can get your stomach stapled. Only the severely desperate and pathetic fatties will undergo this kind of surgery, simply because it’s reserved for the kind of morons who would try to kill themselves with a plastic cup. How hard can it be to stop eating shit, seriously? I smoked for 10 years and I could give up at the drop of a hat. Just don’t do it. If you REALLY REALLY want to become thin, you’ll do everything you can to make it happen. You’ll eat properly, you’ll actually begin to exercise properly. But no, for some reason you can’t. You just can’t give up those burgers can you, fatty? So you take the easy way out and get your stomach stapled so you can’t cram more than a single burger a time into your revoltingly overweight body. You are worse than emos.

There is, however a solution. I have yet to see this method included anywhere (granted I haven’t actually bothered to look), but I’m pretty certain it’s a clear winner. I call it the Bulimi-diet.

You lock 100 bulimics and 100 obese people into a room whilst serving an all day all-you-can-eat buffet. You have approximately 10,000 buckets on standby. I have observed that after approximately 2-3 hours of being locked in a room together, the fatties will overhear from the bulimics that you can actually eat without putting on weight by puking up your food. Slowly but surely this information will spread through fatty camp like news of a special sale on twinkies. The bulimics will begin ritually puking up their food with the fatties slowly following suit. The fatties that do not want to puke up will slowly be forced to, because the smell will be so repugnant that they simply won’t have a choice. Once the fatties begin puking they will find it extremely difficult to stop. Fueled by this amazing new knowledge that the more they puke, the less likely they are to put on weight, they’ll begin puking the fat right out of their body.

OK, it’s sheer fucking skepticism but it’s worth a try right?

I hate fat people.

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