My Hate Blog

It’s a Friday night. I’m out in the pub with a friend of mine when he suddenly looks at me and announces that he has to take a leak. He puts his drink down on the bar and proceeds to, quite hastily I might add, run for the nearest toilet. Bemused I carry on drinking my drink when lo and behold I see one of the most horrific group of people ever approaching me. Fucking Cancer Awareness charity collectors. “Bastard!” I think, he had the right idea hiding in the toilet.

“Money for Cancer?” she asks. For a second I think to myself; “Who the fuck would pay to get Cancer?”. Before opening my mouth and asking that question, I realise that she doesn’t look like the type of woman to have a sense of humour (do any?), so I’ll remain quiet. Part of me thinks that regardless of all the nasty shit I’ve done with my life, my sins will be forgiven if I donate ,and I’ll get to go to Heaven. Then I realise that, no, Heaven aint all it’s cracked up to be. Will I be able to get drunk and have my perverted way with dirty bible bashing angelic bitches? Probably not. Fuck it, Hell sounds like more fun.

Whilst all this silent thinking is going on, the woman is staring at me wondering if I’m retarded or just completely drunk. The bitch can wait, I got more thinking to do. I begin thinking of the scene from Reservoir Dogs, where Steve Buscemi explains why he doesn’t tip waitresses. I agree wholeheartedly. Then I get it into my head that this woman is clearly not a cancer sufferer so must, at least, have first hand experience of the pain and misery that cancer causes. I decide to take the plunge.

“Do you have Cancer?” I ask.
“No, I’m just a collector.” she responds.
“Do I get a sticker if I donate?” I joke, sarcastically.
“You can do, but I’ll have to go outside and get it for you.” she says.

It’s at that exact moment I remembered why I don’t donate to these fucks in the first place. Not only do they have the balls to disturb my drinking, they then try and make me somehow feel fucking guilty that I don’t have a terminal illness, and that I should part with my hard earned cash to aid the suffering of bald-headed chemo victims I’ll never meet. Seriously, why do I care? Is the £1/$2 I’ll donate going to make THAT much of a difference to the treatment of Cancer worldwide? How much of that money will “accidentally” find it’s way into the pocket of the fat bitch holding the charity pot? Don’t tell me these people do it for free. As if. How many of you dildos go to work for free, and don’t even ask for a pay-cheque? Exactly. None of you pricks.

You expect me to believe that these people take their weekend evenings, out of the KINDNESS of their own heart, and go collecting for a cause they hope to benefit? Bullshit. Nobody on the planet is that selfless. They are blatantly on commission or a paid salary, which comes from where? Oh, you guessed it, straight out of the very pot you put your money into. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out. But they’re devious cunts. They try to hide it all by laying the guilt trip on you. They ask you to donate to cancer, you don’t want to be the asshole who refuses to, do you? It’ll make you look bad. So you relunctantly put your hand into your pocket and pull out something ever so slightly more than a copper coin and quickly put it in the slot before anyone sees what a cheap piece of shit you are. I bet if a homeless person asks you for some change to buy a coffee, you’ll fucking look the other way though and pretend you never heard them. Cancer sounds so much worse, doesn’t it?

The same goes to any of these charities. You show me EXACTLY how they’re going to spend the money I donate, monthly, and it will only further illustrate my point. You can try to tell me that by donating XYZ amount, that the government will have to donate the same. That doesn’t make it any more appealing, that just makes me think that you’re fucking the government in the ass whilst you’re trying to fuck me, too.

We, as people, should rise up and complain about the bullshit they subject us to in the media. When you’re eating dinner, who the fuck wants to see pictures of African babies covered in disease and missing limbs, before asking the inevitable question of “How much money can you spare?”. Who wants to see pictures of cute little dogs and cats who could’ve been saved, HAD they had enough money. This kind of emotional blackmail is meant to convince us to hand over money? What the fuck? Is it YOUR fault that people are starving and dying in third world countries? Fuck no. Don’t you dare feel guilty enough to give these people money. The fact of the matter is, regardless of how many of us donate money it won’t change a fucking thing. No amount of money will save the world. There are fundamental reasons why these countries will always be third world countries, and that’s for YOU to research and discover what’s going on around you. Or, you can do what most of us in the West do, and that’s the “out of sight, out of mind” technique.

As heartless as you may think it sounds, it’s not at all. If you feel guilty for the little animals, become a vet. If you still feel guilty for these people suffering in other countries, then get your fucking fat ass off your chair, buy a whole bunch of medical and food supplies, and go out there and hand deliver them yourselves. Go and experience, first hand, the gratitude of people who really NEED that shit, and I promise you it will probably change your life forever. But DON’T, please, for the love of God, donate money and think that it somehow makes you a better person. It doesn’t at all. It makes you a fucking hypocrite.

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