I hate…. Rocky Balboa

I’m a huge fan of the Rocky movies.  Well, all with the exception of the last one (Rocky V).  What the fuck was that about?  How gay, 80’s style, beating up that punk in the car park.  Lame lame lame.  I honestly thought it couldn’t get any worse. I was wrong.

Fast forward about 15 years and we have Sly Stallones latest Rocky incarnation, intelligently entitled ‘Rocky Balboa’.  Firstly, it fucks me off when people don’t follow naming conventions.  You have Rocky 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and then Balboa.  It doesn’t work.  It also makes you feel like a complete fucking idiot when you go into a shop and ask the nerd behind the cash machine; “Do you have Rocky Balboa?”.

Balboa starts off with Rocky waking up, wandering around his fucking garden and then going to the cemetary.  Yep, you guessed it, Adrian is dead and Rocky is all upset.  His wife is dead, Pauly is still giving him shit and his own son hates him. Congratulations champ, you the fucking man. It was worth the beating from Clubber Lang just so you can get old and die miserable.

We never find out how Adrian dies, which is a real shame, because for those of you who are as sick as I am you’re interested in that kind of thing.  Did she get run over?  Did Rocky finally get annoyed with her constant whining and knock her fucking teeth into the back of her head so she began to suffocate? We can but hope. I like to think that she actually jumped in front of a train when she realised that Rocky was brain-damaged and not the genius she once married. The guy is borderline retard and I’d kill myself too if I had to listen to his annoying Italian accent day after day. Maybe Pauly shot her in the head……. hmmm…

So anyway, Balboa essentially just shows you modern-day Rocky.  He runs this greasy little Italian restaurant and bores the shit out of his customers with stories about how he kicked Creeds ass.  Rockys son is struggling with the fact his dad is amazingly famous and everyone keeps seeing his surname and giving him jobs and shit just because he’s the son of the Rock. Hang on, didn’t this shit happen in Rocky V? Yes, yes it did.

Some sports channel on American TV decides to calculate who would win in a fight between Rocky and the current heavyweight champ.  The computer seems to think that Rocky would win, and the current champ gets pissed off.  Rocky starts to realise he misses fighting and wants to prove to himself that although he’s old, he can still stick it in the ring.
The current heavyweight is this fucking skinny looking black guy called ‘Mason Dixon’.  He looks like he’d be more at home painting your fucking toe-nails than throwing a boxing glove around.  Where did they find this chump?
This is where things get bad.  We have the worst fucking training sequence I’ve ever seen.  No cool 80’s esque background tracks.  We have Rocky lifting chains, weights and taking his shitty dog up the stairs again.  It lasts about 90 seconds and that’s it.  Big disappointment.

Rocky himself looks like a rice krispie.  The guy is old, has bitch tits and his body looks like someone just grated him out of a fucking block of cheese.  His voice is getting really old and deep, and his face looks like a cross between those masks from the Scream movies and a wax-work model that’s started to melt. He could probably kick my arse, but I’d wave a viagra tablet in front of him and distract him.  Then I’d kick him in the balls (what’s left of ‘em) and be crowned new Heavyweight champion of the world.  Addddrrrriiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

The story is basically just Rocky V and other shit from the Rocky movies.  Rocky goes into some fucking diatribe about how it’s not about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep coming back.  Everyone’s like “You can’t win, Rock” but he proves to himself he can still kick it in the ring.  10 rounds later, he loses but he’s happy that he lasted that long.

What happened to the brain damage he suffered?  What happened to Adrian?  Why didn’t he die?  Where the fuck can I get the last hour and a half of my life back?

Seriously, this movie sucks balls big time.  Balboa is clearly Stallones attempt to try and cash in on the christmas spirit by producing a shitty wananbe ‘feel good’ movie.  It didn’t work.  I didn’t pay to see this piece of shit, and I’m happy about that.  Fuck Rocky Balboa and fuck Stallone.

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