Christmas sucks

Yes, it’s almost that time of year again where everyone has to suffer the horrendous ordeal of meeting back up with their family and being nice to each other. Or, if you’re anything like me, you might consult a large bottle of vodka and fall asleep whilst masturbating, with your pants ’round your ankles. Oh what a happy time indeed.

I know this may be hard to believe, but a lot of people still do believe that Christmas came into existance because that was the day that little baby Jesus was born. Wrong! I bet you ignorant fucks still believe that Santa comes down your chimney and brings you your presents, right? You think I’m kidding, then do some research for yourself. Those shepherds the bible talks about, rearing their sheep. You think they’re gonna do that shit in the middle of a cold season? Think again.

Instead, Christmas is more than likely based on an ancient event. The feast of the Son of Isis (Goddess of Nature) was celebrated on December 25th, and giving presents was part of the celebration. See, I may spout a lot of highly opinionated obscene crap, but sometimes I come out with a fact or two.

Another reason why Christmas sucks? Santa fucking clause. Nothing, and I mean nothing is more insulting and degrading that our parents convincing us that this stupid fat dude comes down the Chimney (I’m sure I’m spelling that wrong) and delivers our presents. Perhaps it was just me, but I grew intelligent quicker than most. I soon realised that they must be bullshitting me based on several key facts:

1. We do not have a chimney.
2. The tags on the presents said “From Mum and Dad”
3. Because I always ate the mince pie we left out and you told me he said thank you.
4. Because I also drank the whiskey we left out, and you told me he said thank you.
5. I found my presents hidden in their wardrobe anyway.
And the thing is, when you’re a young kid and you discover these things, your parents are unable to justify their lies. Nothing they can say ever convinces you that they told you the fat guy exists for the benefit of making the Christmas experience more exciting. But I tell you something, I got an immense kick out of telling everyone I know that he doesn’t exist when I found out. The look on their faces when I explained their parents were full of shit was priceless. No wonder I have no friends now. But shit, at least i’m not deluded.
Yet another thing that pisses me off about Christmas…. Coca-Cola adverts. Why is it that I never see these adverts until it’s Christmas time. Somebody please care to explain what the fuck Christmas and Santa have to do with cans/bottles of coke? Are they trying to brainwash the children of the world into thinking that yeah, what Santa really wants when he visits your house is a nice can/glass of coke. Go buy more now! Thus increasing their sales and profits? If so, nice idea, but it never worked on me. Psyche.

Christmas music is the worst. That god fucking awful Band Aid track? WHEN THE HELL WILL WE GO A YEAR WITHOUT HEARING THIS PIECE OF SHIT??? Seriously, it’s gay dated 80’s stuff that reminds me of mullets, bad shell-suits and even worse music. Pat Sharpe, where are you?

I must be one of the seldom few who actually doesn’t like Christmas dinner. I don’t like ‘roast’ style meals. Now living in Britain most people think a roast dinner is traditional and god forbid they have to go without. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll eat the shit, but that’s because I don’t want to seem too aggressively rude when it’s taken hours to cook. The only part I love is stuffing. Brussel sprouts seem to rear their head more than ever at this time of year, and of course we all know that only gay people and old people like those. And then you have the endurance-course-esque task of having to sit in the same room whilst they eject the rancid smelling gass from their overweight anuses. Chalk another one up for Christmas eh?

I don’t buy presents for anyone. I have 5 neices. Young neices. Expensive neices. Toys weren’t this fucking expensive when I were a kid. You buy a present for one, you have to buy one for all. Call me a Scrooge if you will but shit, a pad and some crayons should be more than enough for a kid to spark up some creativity with. Hell, I even have my neices attempting to design me websites in Crayola and the back of my overdue credit card statements. At 5 years old they’re better than some of the so called professionals I’ve seen already. Another reason I don’t buy presents is simple. If I bought people what they wanted, then they’d have nothing to work towards. Lazy fucks. I’d rather buy them nothing than a pair of socks that they don’t want and will never wear. The mere fact i show up at these Christmas get togethers should be present enough.
And finally, though rushed this post may seem, we come onto the subject of Christmas TV. I can summarise Christmas TV with the following;

Queens’ speech. Christmas episode of Eastenders. Christmas “specials” of all the sitcoms you’ve never watched until now, but you will because you’re attempting to avoid any sort of conversation with the rest of your family. Re-runs of films they show every other year, usually with a Christmas theme. It’s the same thing every year and I suppose that most even grow accustomed to the crap shown on TV.

I for one do not, and you can usually find me smashed out of my face blind drunk by lunchtime with any presents I receive scattered across my floor in an appreciative decoration, so that when I do eventually wake up with a serious headache and my eyes are stuck together, I may hopefully walk on top of said presents and crush them.

Bah humbug.